Thursday, March 6, 2014

Haikus for Losers

#1. My hair did something
Incredible and I
Took sixteen pictures

#2. Why is season seven
Of Doctor Who, my life,
Not on Netflix yet?

*I thought season was one syllable, sorry, but I will not change it, because, you know, MATT SMITH

#3. O, David Tennant
Your shower story makes my
Day; awkward for life

#4. To my new braces:
Well, who do you think you are,
Wrecking Nutella

#5. I am going to 
Stop writing now because some
French fries are ready

Dream on, 


Saturday, February 15, 2014

Sonnet 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.     
If this be error and upon me proved,     
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

- William Shakespeare


Dream on, 


Thursday, February 13, 2014

Chocolates Are Cheap: How to Not Care About Valentine’s

Well, it’s almost that day again. There are dozens of half-naked infants with deadly weapons twirling from the ceilings of CVSs. The jelly donuts at D&Ds are heart-shaped for a few weeks. Netlix-users tune in to see Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner share an unforgettable moment in that movie that I only watched for Patrick Dempsey. The Hollywood-loving world is dousing itself in pink and lace and roses. It’s the most romantic time of the year, and I don’t give a chocolate-covered crap. Love is in the air; here’s how to hold your breath.

1. Get Realistic.

Welcome to the real Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club. If the trailer for Endless Love is endlessly getting on your nerves, as it is on mine, take some time to break down why Valentine’s Day doesn’t make that much sense. (For example,) If you really, truly care for someone, then you can choose to show that person how much you care ANY DAY OF THE YEAR, IF NOT EVERY DAY. Just like New Year’s Resolutions, you can choose any day to make yourself a better person (and I add that in merely because I’ve failed mine a hundred times over). Also, because I want to get really realistic, you should know that the heart has absolutely no impact on emotions, or “Love” whatsoever. It gets blood from point A to point B let’s print it on shiny paper and make cutesy garland out of it.

2. Do Some Research.

The first valentine was sent by the Duke of Orleans from his imprisonment in the Tower of London to his wife in France, in 1415. Now it’s in the British Museum. If you like knowing the facts, or the history, Google up some mythology. Who is Eros? Why is he depicted as a pudgy toddler? Who was famously struck by his arrow? Who is Saint Valentine, anyway (yah, thanks a lot bud, whoever you are)? And if you have this much time PLEASE help me figure out why people think love comes from your heart, WHY NOT? BECAUSE IT’S A MUSCLE THAT’S WHY.

3. Give It A New Name.

Singles Awareness Day. Unrealistic-Rom-Com Day. Veiled Bitterness Day (by Brendon Etter). Cheap Chocolates Day. Commercialized-Emotion Day. Make up your own and write it on every calendar you see (ESPECIALLY the one in the Post Office).

4. Tumblr It Out.

This is what I’ve done with today.

5. EAT.

Heart-shaped cookies, no matter how illogical (Spock), taste fantastic. Sugar it out with red sprinkles and extra icing all over the kitchen counter on purpose. Make Nutella toast to watch Say Yes to the Dress with; don’t forget to make two slices so you can drop one upside on the floor and then cry about it. If you have toaster waffles, great, put jelly AND jam on them and then look up the difference between jelly and jam and send it to me because I want to know. Don’t forget about the pink and white frosted mini cupcakes! See if you can beat my record of getting 5 in my mouth at once.

6. Be Meg.

Meg, the damsel from Disney’s Hercules is a golden role-model. Get sassy. Kick romance into a ditch. Belt I Won’t Say I’m In Love in your room because you can.


7. Ignore All This, And Have A Happy Valentine’s Day With That Special Someone.

{#}    That’s (supposed to be) a brain, not a heart, BTW.

Dream on,


I don't take selfies....oh